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Monday, 4 May 2009

Those Precious Family Moments

I am so lazy that I can't be bothered to go for a wee. Now that's lazy. Told you I was lazy. I will in a minute but first I have to tell you how we're spending our precious Bank Holiday Monday. Woke up and it was raining. Of course it was raining. It's Bank Holiday. Fretted about some work I have to do. Got up and found Husband cooking sausages. Checked to see that neither of our cats Charlie, nor Lola had brought in any more amphibians, like they did again last night. They've got a thing about offering us dead frogs as gifts. Charlie, the ginger one is a bit clumsy and awkward, scrambling up walls, while his would-be prey are always long gone (I swear I've seen squirrels giving him the finger) but Lola, his sister is an absolute stalking, silent killer. She's the feline version of the girl who has ariel fights, whisking through trees in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. I know it's an act of cat love but I've made sure her neck bell is extra loud, to try and give the poor little creatures she stalks, a chance to get away.

Lola was getting all frisky and excited, and after a quick check we discovered another frog playing dead behind The Girl's toy box. Carrying out Frog Rescue was particularly annoying because Husband and I were watching Lust/Caution and we were waaaaay past the caution part and onto some majorly fierce sex scenes. 'He'd have to have a nine inch penis to get into that position' said Husband. I digress. We rescued the frog, put it outside and watched the rest of the film. It's brilliant by the way and makes you realise how oddly vanilla and blandy bland most mainstream Hollywood films are. They don't seem to use grown up people and any sex scenes always look like they've been directed for MTV by someone called Chuck who is 35 and wears a backwards baseball cap.

So today we promised The Girl we'd help her ride her bike. Took off the stabilisers and after some shrieking and comedy wobbling, she set off round the park, yelling and cycling. It was one of those seminal moments. Watching your child learn to ride a bike. Something we can look back on as a little glowing moment amidst the rows and boredom and washing up. Possibly excepting the part she ran over Husband's sandalled feet and he shouted "FUCK!" very loudly.

Back home and now The Girl is downstairs watching Husband play Grand Theft Sweary Auto. Yes, not good, but it's quite funny hearing The Girl piping 'You've just crashed that stolen car again daddy' and 'Why did you shooted that man when he didn't do nothing?' rapidly followed by 'You're dead daddy.' Like having a little Jiminy Cricket type conscience rattling away when all you want to do is play a nihilistic computer game set in a morally dead universe. Husband, fed up with her running commentary and wanting to get on with killing people has sent her upstairs to bother me now. She trotted in announcing that 'Daddy has been shot by a big ass pimp.' Followed by the question, 'What's a pimp?' I sent her back to Husband. He plays the game he can explain it.


Helen P said...

Right that's it. Your either using Boots' face cream (you lied to us) or you have a fabulous're getting younger and more lovely with each picture you use to illustrate your blog! (Note to me - must do same.)

Jane said...

Aw Helen! The secret is to use black and white photography and make sure that a professional slap artist is part of the deal. My sister tells me that MAC counters do fab makeovers - lasting 40 minutes and the modest price is redeemable against products. Well worth it. I had an evening makeup done by what looked like a Balham Ladyboy but having a professional makeup person take an objective look at your face - you realise that makeup can really transform your face. He/She said that the only thing makeup can't do is to disguise thin lips!

Kim Hruba said...

My kids got a lesson in The Cycle of Life last summer thanks to the cat. A bird was pummeling itself against the window, trying to get out of the garage. Kids and I wanted to coax the bird out. I turned to open the garage door and only seconds later - CHOMP! - the cat had slinked in, leaped up, and ate the bird. Kids were in a state of shock. All I could think of to say was, "Well, that's the cycle of life for ya."

P.S. Loved the 'big ass pimp'. What I find hysterical is that she probably only asked about the word pimp because she already new what "big ass" meant!

Thanks too for checking out my blog.

Jane said...

Arrrgh Kim! It's sometimes pretty horrible - that cycle of life, especially when it involves your cat torturing some poor creature and then presenting it as a 'gift'.


Philip Sington said...

Does the cycle of life include being shot by a big ass pimp? I expect it probably does these days. Who said computer games don't prepare young people for life in the real world?
(Shot where, by the way? In the ass, would be my guess. Or is that just too obvious?)

Jane said...

Alas, Philip I think it does. Although after ten minutes Husband felt too embarrassed to be playing the game in front of his five year old daughter.